Sometimes the word “home” is temporary

I grew up in a world where the word “home” was temporary and the word “family” was complicated.  From the moment I entered the foster care system at age 3 I was abused, malnourished and belittled.  From being abused I ended up pregnant at the age of 13.  My life became a series of placements, goodbyes and constant adjustments. I learned to carry my life in bags.  My pregnancy wasn’t met with celebration.  It became another note in my file.  Another reason for people to whisper in the hallway.  Some of the homes didn’t want a teenager and a newborn, one home even said  I had ruined my life before it even started, as if this was somehow my choice, my fault.  I carried the weight of my trauma, my fear and my responsibility all at once.  Childhood had slipped away from me faster than it should have.  The hardest part wasn’t knowing it was the felling of not fully belonging anywhere.  After moving to 13 different foster homes I finally aged out of the system.  Getting my own place at 18.  That’s when the drinking started, I entered into a relationship because I was looking for someone to love and care for me, someone who could see my trauma and make me feel chosen.  But slowly the relationship turned unhealthy what started as affection turned into control.  Being in a domestically violent relationship for two years strengthened me to leave but before I did I learned that my daughter had been abused by him the same way I was.  I was angry, I felt guilty, I felt heartbreak.  A grief so heavy it made it hard to breathe at times, during the trial I caught my first DUI (drinking under the influence). I would go to sleep early from drinking all day, wake up and repeat.  At the end of his trial I caught another DUI.  That’s when I knew I needed to get help.  My life has changed so much during this sobriety journey.  My mental is more clear, my physical health is getting better, more sleep – more energy.  Life feels more stable, fewer crisis and less regrets.  My relationships have improved creating more healthy / stable with family and friends.